#DearFutureWife: I Am a Die-hard Arsenal Fan.

LETTER TO THE FUTURE MRS By Biodun Owojaiye

Dear future wife,
I write you this missive at this point in time partly because I am inspired to do so and partly because I was ordered to, albeit subtly by a highly revered ‘bros’. Left to me, I would have written this letter next year, but I already gave my word to this bros that I’d pen you one before long. I have thought about you severally, believe it or not, even though I cannot readily pick out your face or identify you. What then have I been thinking of? Well, it will suffice to say here that my thoughts have been dominated the values I would want you to hold and the attributes I would love you to have as it concerns the spiritual, the moral, the intellectual, the emotional, the social as well as the physical. Yes you read that right! The physical!!! I won’t attempt to mock you by saying it doesn’t matter. It does, by all means, it does. I have yet to see a scenario where the heart loved what the eyes didn’t appreciate. On this foundation, I can say that I know the qualities you possess and the ones you don’t regardless of the fact that you remain unknown to me.

As a young boy, I wondered how married people who have long tied the nuptial knots manage to stay together for years. I tried to know what they get to talk about during all the time they spend together. As a teen, I asked my mother who already loves you without knowing you and who I am sure you will love and will have no problem getting along with why married folks don’t get bored. She simply replied that couples who marry as friends don’t get bored. What a response it was. For my light years then, the message sunk in well. I don’t get tired of my male friends. How much more you, my lovely female friend? Ruminating over this now, I am tempted to think I can unravel your identity but since there are no hard and fast rules as it concerns this, the matter will be allowed to rest.

ON MY EXPECTATIONS
You are not perfect. I don’t even want you to come to me perfect. If you are, I would be utterly useless having no value whatsoever to add and you would have no need of me. What then is the purpose of marriage? In the same vein, I am not quite the finished article yet but you can hold firm to this; I am someone who tries. Areas that need to be improved in my life are and will be given the required attention, the same approach I believe you employ. Our relationship as man and wife should be complementary, this is a view I have come to imbibe from watching my own parents. First of all, I will take care of myself for you as you would take care of yourself for me. That way, you will complement me, I will complement you. This is as good as it gets.

By God I hope you have a great sense of humor. I come from a home where funny but not vulgar people abound and if there is anything I want replicated in my own home it is the easy going and humorous ambience I grew up in. We should always have time to share a laugh or two. Such an environment is a needed if we will thrive in all areas of our lives, not to mention how important it will be to the children when they arrive. Our home should always be a place that calls out to us whenever we are away. I hope that with your fantastic sense of humor comes a very low nagging coefficient. It is not a crime to say all women nag some merely over do it. It is of these kinds that King Solomon said living alone in a corner of a roof is better than living with. The very low nagging coefficient is simply short-lived and pleasant nagging. A woman who doesn’t nag at all is fast becoming a man.

I expect we would have just two kids (hope this is fine by you?) and then proceed to give them the very best we can, legally. I don’t subscribe to the idea of having a litter of kids who will be deprived in any way. You sure are well aware that training up a child is much more difficult than people would readily admit particularly these days when the society’s moral fabric is at its thinnest. Raising children goes beyond been financially able, the emotional requirement and commitment must also be factored in. The derelicts and public nuisances of today, if their past is thoroughly investigated, usually have suffered one form of lack or the other while growing up. I’m lured to say it’s more of emotional inadequacy than financial inadequacies that allows these deviants too get so lost. Begetting a dyad should also prove to be of help as you seek to maintain your trim figure after childbirth. Another side benefit of having just two kids is that if the Almighty permits, we will finish raising them early enough. Our late years wouldn’t be spent scolding and tracking teenagers. There are many other advantages but this is beginning to look like a political campaign therefore, I will let the matter be until I hear from you concerning this.

WHAT’S HAPPENING PRESENTLY
Married people are supposed to tell each other anything and everything so I will at this juncture move on to sundry issues that I have been discussing with a few friends. If our marriage is going to last we better start discussing the other issues that seem not so inconsequential.
The first would be the craze of young parents giving their children foreign names. While this is not a new development as parents have been doing this for many years, it has reached new heights now and this is very hilarious. It used to be a mixture of religious names and other ‘home-made’ names that infants were named in times past. Some Yoruba kids these days don’t even have Yoruba names. What happened to our indigenous names? Seems to me these names are going out of vogue, the very way our values as a society are.
Do Europeans give their children African names? This reeks of inferiority complex on the part of our people. I don’t expect many people to accept this logic and I certainly don’t intend to reform anyone but you can be sure I won’t toe that line. It is perceived in some quarters to be a form of modern day colonization, which may seem a little extreme, but it isn’t far too far from the truth. It would be fantastic to hear your take on this.

Secondly, dear future Mrs, I am a die-hard Arsenal fan. Now, as a team we have not won any major trophy for almost a decade except low-end shields like the Emirates Cup and the Audi Cup. Despite this big challenge and monumental shortcoming, I have remained a fan. I declared my allegiance to the team in the early glory years of Arsene Wenger, years before the era of the Invincibles (my team went a whole season unbeaten, can you believe that?) and when the going became tough with trophies hard to come by, I didn’t jump ship. The trophy drought has not eroded my loyalty. This season, we are hoping we can turn the situation around and win a Cup, and silence our critics once and for all. Thus far it looks realizable, except for a member of our squad who seems to be working against the interest of the team. He may be doing this unconsciously as he puts on the same jersey as the other ten players, but when a striker refuses to bury glittering chances in the back of the net every matchday, I begin to see him as a saboteur. His name is Olivier Giroud. Based on his performance thus far, it’s safe to say he is all brawn and no brain, just like Brown Ideye of the Nigerian national football team. I hope he improves for the sake of our team. It doesn’t matter whether you like football or not, but I hope you’re not averse to me telling you things such as this.
It must be said that I have deliberately left out issues that border on love, religion, career and romance. My future letters upon receipt of your own letter, will address the other areas that need to be looked into.

Affectionately yours,
Your Future Hubby.

P.S: If I am not looking in your direction, You can follow me on twitter @laolualasiki, I’ll take the process from there *winks*

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